"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive." -C.S. Lewis
I've been busy lately, to say the least. My son is growing, I'm plodding along as a single dad, and in general things are going... not so great. I struggle with stupid philosophical issues. I struggle because, for one reason or another, I'm not good enough. If I ever catch the slightest glimpse of happiness or optimism, it's easily snatched away from me. I'm just tired.
Last week I got the great news that I'll be taking a pretty hefty pay cut at work. It's going to be very difficult for me to make ends meet. As if I didn't have enough to worry about, I now have to worry yet again about how I'm going to provide for my son. I seemingly can't win on that front. Unfortunately, it looks like this will be a near permanent thing, so it won't be going anywhere anytime soon.
My grandpa was also put into the hospital recently with sepsis. He wasn't expected to make it. After going into a coma, they didn't think he'd even wake up, and most people don't recover from sepsis anyway. Somehow he made a fairly quick recovery and got out of the hospital today. He'll still be in some kind of intensive care nursing home for three months to do physical therapy, but he's tough and is on the road to recovery. When I went to visit him in the hospital, he said that he "thinks about me everyday."
That whole situation even had my Mom getting philosophical, and you know shit's getting real when she starts thinking that way. She said, "You know, I guess the best thing we can do in life is enjoy the time we have and try to enjoy every moment. You never know how long you have." Of course, this isn't some extraordinary thought... people say that all the time. But I suppose that doesn't make it any less true.
I've tried to figure out how to enjoy life. The best I seem to be able to do is waste time. I can sit around playing video games and watching anime with the best of them. I can read, study some Japanese, and exercise like a madman. But is that enjoying life? For me it's just getting through the day. I bum through one weekend at a time, to get to the next one, to get to the next one. I come home to my empty house and cook a nice meal. I clean because I'm a neat freak, I do a load of laundry, maybe some ironing. I talk to myself, sometimes in English and sometimes in Japanese to get some practice in. I tell myself jokes and laugh at them. Last weekend it really clicked as to how pathetic I am... For years I've bought Aunt Jemima pancake mix and syrup. I do make my own mix now, but I still use that syrup... So for years, every time I used it to make breakfast, I made the bottle "talk" like Aunt Jemima (you know, like an old Southerly black woman). "She" would always ask everyone in the house how many pancakes they wanted and would give me cooking tips as I worked. I always made it stupidly over the top, but it rarely failed to make people smile. So last weekend I fired up the griddle and made myself some pancakes, and as I pulled out good old Aunt Jemima's bottle and started with the voice, I realized something...
"You stupid fuck, you're talking to yourself with a bottle of syrup. That's not funny, that's goddamn retarded."
So from now on, Auntie is done talking at breakfast. But the thing that makes me the happiest is making other people happy. For whatever reason, the guys at work find me hilarious, and it makes me smile to make them smile. My happiest memories are of making other people happy. To me, that's what it means to enjoy life's moments. I remember making my ex-wife laugh for years. I remember telling my old lover how much she meant to me each day. She would tell me when I said something to make her smile or laugh, and I'd say that my work for the day was done. I just wanted to bring her one unexpected smile everyday. My current wife (at least until next Wednesday)... well, I have fond memories of zoo trips and getting drunk before baking Christmas cookies and falling out in the floor laughing.
Unfortunately it doesn't end there. I remember my ex-wife punching me in the head and throwing things at me. I remember her telling me to grow up and be a man, calling me a pansy. I remember my lover telling me that I wasn't special, that I was just someone who happened to come along at the right time... I could have been anyone. And I remember my current wife telling me outright that she hated me and how pathetic I am. Today I said that maybe we should reconsider divorce for the sake of our son. She told me, "Oh I'm not worried about it now. I found some cheap insurance so I have no interest in being married to you." On the plus side, at least she was straightforward.
I'm finding myself unable to enjoy life by coming home to an empty house and talking to myself. I'm not that kind of person, and I never will be that kind of person. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to spend a potentially horrifying 50+ years in misery. Then again, I also don't want to spend life with someone who doesn't enjoy my company. But why the hell does everyone hate me so much? Aside from my family, everyone seems to despise me. There's no joy in video games and books and P90X and an empty house. There's joy in love and romance and special bonds. There's joy in making someone's day, in making them smile. There's joy in bringing happiness to others. There's joy in coming home each night and sharing the story of your day with someone and hearing theirs. I don't want to "compromise" and try to make myself be happy in being alone by telling myself that "at least I'm not making everyone miserable this way." That's no way to be. I want to enjoy life again. I want to live.
I just have no idea how to find the road again.
