The Hard Path

"We were not promised ease.  The purpose of life - if it may be said to have a purpose - is not ease.  It is to choose, and to act upon the choice.  In that task, we are not measured by outcomes.  We are only measured by daring and effort and resolve."  -Thomas Covenant Chronicles

Today has been one of the worst days of my relatively short existence.  I'd been dreading it for weeks...  dreading an idea that was a horrible one from the start.  Today I went to a parenting class with my "wife."  It was the first time I'd seen her in two months or so.  It's also more than I can bear.

I had decent hopes for the day after I woke up at 2AM to an amazing dream.  I never dream, and even when I do, I rarely have good dreams.  But any time a dream can take me back to happier times, I'll take it.  Unfortunately, it was downhill from there.  Spontaneously busting out crying during a parenting class while people look at you like you're a dumbass is just stupid and embarrassing.  I should be stronger than this.  She brought ultrasound pictures...  I can see my son's face in them, clear as day.  She was so excited and happy about the pictures and about things in general.  She couldn't fathom why I was so sad...  then afterward she hit me with logic that I simply can't understand.  On a better day, I could have refuted it and shown her how foolish it is, but that day was not today.  After I got home, I went to bed and didn't get up for four hours or so.

I've recorded future me a message.  Because future me will still be bipolar, there's a half decent chance that he might do something else stupid like this.  That can't happen.  I hope to God that I never forget the pain of this day.  If I forget, then I might end up making these mistakes again.  So if and when an opportunity for stupidity presents itself in the future, I'm going to play future me this message to remind him of the price of failure.

Another unfortunate discovery is that I'm incapable of hating her.  That's really the only thing that could have saved me from this kind of despair, and I can't do it.  I couldn't hate my ex-wife either.  I'll try to make do as best I can.

I have no idea where I am or where I'm going.  I don't know what my goal is supposed to be.  Therefore I have no idea how to get there.  I'll just try to be a Dad who isn't worthless.  I feel sorry for this kid already.

EDIT:  Aaaand I forgot to hit post last night.  So here it is, a day late.

Frayed Edges

"I'm sorry you've been through so much.  I really am.  But this is the wrong answer.  It's possible to be in pain without hating yourself and the whole world.  You don't have the right to make everybody else feel the same way you do."  -Thomas Covenant

That quote is one of the reasons I love the Thomas Covenant series so much...  it talks to me.  I'm a very negative person, and I know that.  I've never claimed to be otherwise, and it's honestly just a part of who I am.  When things happen to me...  things like the situation that I find myself in right now...  it makes me even worse.  I hate.  My one aspect hates almost anyone and everyone around me, including myself.  Granted, I don't hate my friends or family, but everyone else is fair game.

The stress is getting to me.  My edges have been fraying at work, and I'm simply worn thin.  My productivity and even my thinking skills have gown downhill, and I'm way too quick to anger.  It also hasn't helped that an old friend has returned to town and to work, and I have mixed emotions there.  Though I hate him with every bone in my body, I have no good reason for doing so, which in turn makes me loathe myself.  I've had people tell me that they've noticed a change in me, which means that I'm not doing a good enough job of keeping up my facade.  I have to try harder.

The hardest thing for me to do will be to not hate... her.  I'm not sure if I can accomplish that.  But no matter what happens, I absolutely cannot teach my son to hate.  I want my son to grow up to be a better person than I, but he'll have a big enough handicap thanks to his white trash Mom.  I have to offset that.  I have to overcome my own emotions well enough to show my son that there are good things in the world.  I rarely see them, and maybe I just don't look hard enough.  During my golden age with the love of my life, I saw good things all around me.  I wrote beautiful, eloquent poetry, I saw a bright future...  my catch phrase was that we were walking "towards an endless tomorrow."  Honestly, I wish my tomorrows had already ended, but I accept responsibility for my failure in that era of life.  Since my golden age ended, I've lost the spark, and I don't see that coming back.

But for my son...  I have to try something.  Maybe he will be the answer for me, a way to help me stop being an angry, bitter asshole.  Or I might fail him like I've failed everyone else in my life.  Flip a coin.

To Bear What Must Be Borne

Being bipolar means dealing with a disease that literally controls your life.  It's been a very hard weekend.  I've tried to offset the effects of the disease as best I can, but sometimes I'm just unsuccessful.  I try to bear the things I have to, but sometimes they drive me into the ground.  I took a look at some pages on it, and it sounds all too familiar.

A person suffering with bipolar disorder experiences two extremes with distinct signs and symptoms:

• manic episodes (excessive excitement, energy or enthusiasm)
• depressive episodes

Both mood and behavioral changes can be signs indicating someone with bipolar disorder is experiencing a manic phase or episode:

• extended periods of feeling overly happy or outgoing
• extremely irritable mood, agitation, or jumpiness
• increasing goal-directed activities
• being easily distracted
• restlessness
• behaving impulsively
• having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities

When a person suffering with bipolar disorder enters a depressive phase, the signs and symptoms create a stark contrast with the preceding manic episode:

• extended periods of feeling worried or empty
• isolation from friends and family
• loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex
• feeling tired or slowed down
• having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
• being irritable
• change in eating, sleeping, or other habits (including anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and other eating disorders)
• abuse of alcohol and drugs
• thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide

Yep, way too familiar...  I did some more reading on how difficult it can be on relationships.  I'm sure that it caused my current relationship to suffer.  Nobody can stand to be around me for very long.  I found this section that I wish people could read and understand...

Challenge: Relationships

Bipolar disorder is hard on relationships. The very symptoms – swinging moods, risky behaviors – often leave loved ones feeling confused, exhausted and like they’re walking on eggshells, Van Dijk said.

She also sees loved ones have difficulty distinguishing between the illness and the person. They might invalidate the person’s feelings and either blame everything on the illness or believe the person is making conscious choices when it is the illness.

So it’s incredibly important for loved ones to get educated about the illness and how it functions. Individual therapy, family therapy and support groups can help. Refer loved ones to self-help resources and biographies or memoirs of people with bipolar disorder, Johnson said.

Getting a handle on your emotions also improves relationships, she said. Working on assertiveness is key, too, she said. Individuals with bipolar disorder tend to have a tough time being assertive. Therapy is a good place to learn assertiveness skills. But if you’d like to practice on your own, Van Dijk suggested using “I statements”: “ I feel _____ when you ______.” She gave the following example: “I feel scared and hurt when you threaten to leave me.”

The more I read stuff like that, the more I want to be a writer.  I want to do something to help others who are going through this.  There will always be that part of me who recognizes that I'm broken.  I'm not a normal human...  not like others.  The reason my life is in shambles right now is because of the bad decisions I've made, and a lot of the bad decisions have been due to the disease.  I read on one site that people with bipolar disorder have a difficult, if not impossible, time learning from their experiences because of the fact that our different aspects preclude sound behavior.  I know I've long frustrated my friends who want to help me, and while I'm much better than I used to be, I still lapse sometimes.  It frustrates me as much as anyone, because I'm my harshest critic.  I don't want to make people miserable.  I don't want to lie around in bed all day crying.  I don't want to do stupid, impulsive shit.  But when I go through my day never knowing which of the three stupid fucks inside me I'm going to be, it's no wonder that I get myself into these messes.

Dead God, I fear for my son.  I'm already well past my limits.  In a little over two months, I'll be thrown into the ocean, and I sure as hell can't swim.

Memories

"You can take back your memories, they're no good to me." -All American Rejects

I'm sufficiently intoxicated tonight, so it's time for a blog post.  I had a random thought earlier...  I was thinking about my grandpa and how sad it must be to have Alzheimers and to know that something is happening to your mind that you can't control.  He tries to recall memories, but he just can't do it.  I was relating that with my trying to learn Japanese and becoming annoyed with how difficult it was to not be able to remember what I've learned.  How awesome would it be if we as humans could remember everything we've ever experienced.  If we heard a word in Japanese, we could remember a word in Japanese.  None of this repetition nonsense...  no having something on the tip of your tongue, only to forget at the last second.  No forgetting who your grandson is, no matter how temporary...

But then I realized...  a world in which we could never forget would be a special kind of hell.   In a way, I hate that I can't remember some things better.  I love pictures for that reason.  I've always described pictures as our way of preserving ourselves against loss.  It's a way of keeping our memories for when that person or circumstance is no longer around.  So I take my pictures and I look back through them and remember the good times.  But if I could remember each and every good time in painstaking detail, reliving each moment with perfect clarity.. I don't know that I could stand it.  I miss the good times, and I'd give anything to be able to relive those moments with the knowledge that I have now.  I'd make such better use of them.  But the experiences have faded, and without that, I'd spend every waking moment in vivid remembrance of the good times.  That's what I'm doing now, to the extent that I can.

So while it would be good to have a fast track to learning a new language, I'm not sure that it would be a good thing in the end.  Regardless, alcohol works wonders for forgetting that you're alive, at least for a little while.

The Value of Education

"[On the subject of the Taliban] But then I said, 'If he comes, what would you do Malala?'  Then I would reply to myself, 'Malala, just take a shoe and hit him.'  But then i said, 'If you hit a Talib with your shoe, then there would be no difference between you and the Talib.  You must not treat others with cruelty and that much harshly.  You must fight others, but through peace and through dialogue and through education.'  Then I said that I will tell him how important education is and that 'I even want education for your children as well.'"  -Malala Yousafzai

If you're not familiar with the story of Malala Yousafzai, then you should check it out.  It's a story that has stuck with me for over a year now...  Malala is a girl from Pakistan who has championed girls' education in the Middle East her entire life.  Unfortunately, since that region of the planet is filled with backward, worthless fools, she drew the ire of the Taliban.  Giving women an education would eventually topple the anathema that is Islam, given enough time.  As is the case with so many religions, those in power will do almost anything to retain it.

The Taliban finally came for Malala.  While she was on a bus ride home, armed men stopped the bus and shot her in the face.  Somehow the bullet missed her brain, and doctors were able to save her from near death.  Now she lives in the US where she continues her education while her family is in hiding.  She also just released a book, which is on my reading list right after the final Thomas Covenant book.

The subject of girls' education in the Middle East has been on my mind for years.  When I was married to my ex-wife, I did tons of research into adopting a girl from those troubled countries.  Unfortunately, it seems that there is not a single avenue to do so.  I just always thought that it would be great to adopt an orphaned girl from those countries and provide a better home where she could have so many more opportunities.  I really wish there was more that a person could do to help those kinds of situations, but I guess there's not...  plus I don't foresee myself running out to get shot by those nutjobs.

Nonetheless, listening to that girl speak is almost hypnotic.  It's very rare to hear a girl of her age be able to articulate things so easily and so well.  There's a great interview with Jon Stewart in which she says the quote above.  I see her and I think, "Wow, if an education under that much fire (as in, literal fire, with bombs) can produce such an amazing girl, just think of what could happen if all the girls received an education."  I don't even know why it's sat so heavily on me for years.

But even more impressive is her attitude (both then and now) toward those who were trying to kill her.  It's so hard for me to not hate those in my life who have wronged me, but they literally tried to kill this little girl and she forgives them.  I wish I could take that stance.  There are plenty of things that everyone could learn from this girl.

Choices

"We all make choices, and none of us can guess how they'll turn out.  But we have to live with the consequences anyway.  I didn't know what would happen...  but that doesn't make me any less responsible."  -Thomas Covenant

Of the people who know that I used to be a minister, very few have actually asked WHY I chose to be a minister in the first place.  I sure as hell didn't do it because I enjoyed it, because I'm shy, socially awkward, and fairly inept in front of an audience.  I definitely didn't do it for recognition either.  On the days that they would recognize the ministers from around the area, I would never stand to be acknowledged.  The real reason I chose to be a minister was to help people, and at the time, I thought that teaching them about the Bible was the best way to do that.  I was well acquainted with pain and depression, and I hated thinking about the other people who were going through stuff like that.

I was young and naive.  One of first clues I saw that religion was not for me was when I observed my fellow "ministers."  Because of my station, I got to join the inner circle of people who governed the Pentecostal church in my state, and I got to see who they truly were.  Oh sure, there were some (most of them, even) who were seriously dedicated to their faith.  They seemed to be doing the right thing for the right reasons.  But there were too many who used their positions for power or influence, for recognition, or for the almighty dollar.  The way that some of them would manipulate people was unbelievable.  The congregations (affectionately referred to as "sheep") were dependent upon these preachers for what they considered to be "good guidance," but sometimes it was anything but.

The more I saw of such things, the angrier I became.  My eyes were opened, and I gradually stepped out of my dark age.  Knowing that I was neither a sheep nor a shepherd, I went on to forge my own path.

I had good intentions at first...  hell, I had good intentions the whole time.  But in the end, I lost.  I made a decision at the time, armed with the knowledge I had back then, and I thought I was doing the right thing.  I got married, joined the ministry, and thought that I had a good life.  It wasn't until later when I separated from religion, and that part of my life disintegrated from there.  Upon our divorce, I helped my ex-wife out as best I could, and we parted ways.  Then I foolishly chose to date again, and I came face to face with my current situation.  I met a woman who was seemingly being beaten down by a really, really rich guy, and I wanted to jump in and help.  I saw a woman with a lot of potential who just needed help to get through a rough patch.  So after throwing away the person who was my life's greatest treasure (which I ALSO did with good intentions...  fuck you "good intentions"), I jumped headlong into a serious relationship with this woman...  a woman who played me like a drum.

I just tried to help.  My help was obviously not appreciated.  Every time I try to do something good, I always end up doing something bad.  Always.  I can safely say that there will be no more "good intentions" anymore, but I'll still have to live with the outcome of my upcoming decisions.  My decisions have already cost me, as well as my unborn child.  I feel stupid that I've deprived my child of a loving, two parent household.  I'll be bringing a child into this world with a divided family, and the two most important people in his life will hate each other with a passion.  Sometimes it's good for me to remember how serious my choices are and how grave the consequences can be.  Not knowing what could happen or having good intentions doesn't make me any less responsible for what happens.

I'm now deathly afraid of making decisions.  God knows I don't have much left to lose.

The Alternative to Despair

"Attempts must be made, even when there can be no hope.  The alternative is despair.  And betimes some wonder is wrought to redeem us."  -The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant

Life is full of surprises.  If you'd told me five years ago about some of the things that would happen to me, I'd have said you were insane.  My life is so unbelievable...  it's often thrown around jokingly by my boss, but I really do intend to write a book someday.  I feel that I have a fairly interesting story, at least.  I've also gained a fair amount of insight over the years, even if I don't listen to it half the time.

I keep wondering what the rest of my life will hold.  I get tired so often...  I want to quit, because in my quest for happiness, I end up finding only pain and loss.  I make stupid decisions, partly because I'm a fool and partly because there are two disparate versions of me thanks to me being bipolar.  Listening to either of the extremes is almost always a bad idea, but such is my nature.

Even so, I've wanted to give up for years now.  There have been many times that I've had no reason to keep going.  At this moment, every dream that I've ever had has been shattered.  I've always wanted to be loved, and I got that...  for a fleeting moment in a forbidden relationship that inevitably ended.  I always wanted a family, and I got that...  if you consider being a future single dad to be a "family."  I always wanted a little girl...  not that I'll be disappointed to have a son, but now that possibility is gone too.  I've been ground into dust.

Yet here I am.  I'm not particularly looking forward to anything...  my son will be born in January, but that just scares me more than anything.  I know that I face a lot of pain my future.  There's a better than average possibility that I'll be spending my life alone, and that scares me too.  There's definitely no shortage of dread.  But honestly, my curiosity always gets the best of me.  My life has been so crazy so far that I can't imagine what the future could hold.  Maybe there's a miracle out there for me somewhere.  Giving up just doesn't seem like the answer anymore.

Every time things have gotten tough, people and circumstances have saved me when I needed them.  I have the best group of friends and family anyone could ask for...  people who care about me very much.  I'll survive if for no other reason than their sake.  But when it comes down to it, I'm counting on that miracle.  Don't let me down, universe.