"I know you now. That makes all the difference, doesn't it? When you really know somebody, you can't hate them. ... When it comes to human beings, the only type of cause that matters is the final cause, the purpose. Once you understand what people really want, you can't hate them anymore. You can fear them, but you can't hate them, because you can always find the same desires in your own heart." -Ender's Game
My son has finally arrived. It's been quite an eventful three weeks. He was a few weeks early and had a scary entrance, but he's here and well. I'd been constantly worried about how I was going to handle everything. I had a lot of built up rage by the time I got to the hospital that night. She was already starting the whole labor thing, so it was just me, her, and her Mom in the hospital room. I was visibly angry. I'm pretty sure there was steam coming off of me. So I sat there in brooding silence, content to watch her in discomfort. I've never hated anyone like that in my life. But at least I had my answer... there was only one way for me to handle the situation, and it was with rage.
But then something changed. She started bleeding profusely. And her epidural failed. She laid there for half an hour or more, writhing and screaming in pain. They didn't know why she was bleeding or how to stop it. By the time her doctor arrived, she was begging everyone around her to make the pain stop, to take the pain away. I sat there in horror and had my epiphany that I hope will stick with me for a long time. When a real situation was happening, my thought wasn't to be happy that she was in pain... my unbidden thought was that, if it were possible, I would gladly take the pain in her stead. My thought wasn't that I hoped something horrible would happen to her, nor was my concern for my unborn son... it was concern solely for her. No, I didn't love her even at that moment, at least not as a man loves a wife. But I loved her as a fellow human, and that's good enough for me. Hate isn't the answer. Hate will never be the answer. The answer is love, respect, compassion, and forgiveness.
The answer isn't easy... I suppose life rarely is. It's easy to love people who love you in return. It's easy to respect those who respect you. And it's easy to forgive someone who only punches you in the balls once instead of punching you repeatedly. But hating someone means wishing bad things upon them, and that's not what I'm about. That's why I've spent the past three weeks at my estranged wife's apartment, helping take care of things as best I could. I cooked, I cleaned, I ran errands, and I kept my son the majority of the time. In the end, I was unappreciated as usual after being kicked out unexpectedly and unceremoniously this afternoon. It doesn't matter to me, because I can still feel good about what I've done, and I don't harbor any bad feelings toward her.
I think it's safe to say that she's made some mistakes out of uncaring selfishness. The thing is... who in the world hasn't done that? She's been doing some evil stuff, but I've done my own share of evil stuff as well. Now it's time to do the right thing. People made fun of me when I did the right thing during my last divorce... they thought I was being weak and stupid, but I still did it and felt good about the end result. Now I'll have to do the right thing here, despite the fact that it's not the FAIR thing to do. For better or worse, she won nine months ago, and I have my son to think about. Maybe one day doing the right thing will be of mutual benefit, instead of this one sided affair where I give of myself to people who enjoy punching me in the balls. It's still my dream. Maybe one day.
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