The Fallen Angels of Our Nature

"You start with something pure, something exciting.  Then come the mistakes.  The compromises.  We create our own demons."  -Iron Man 3

Yeah I just quoted something pseudo-philosophical from a superhero movie.  Sue me.

I sit here thinking about my past relationships and how I got to the point I'm at now.  I know it's beating a dead horse, but I don't really have anything else to do.  Relationships start off in a grand way.  I remember meeting my ex-wife in the hallways of high school and being amazed at having a real relationship for the first time.  I remember my wedding day and not knowing that I was supposed to look at her when I said my vows.  I remember the hundreds of conversations I had with the love of my life.  I remember pulling a cramp when I woke up in the mornings in such a hurry to get to the phone to read her emails.  I remember when we first shared our feelings for each other...  "What would you say if I told you that I loved you?"  I remember meeting my current wife for the first time.  I remember seeing her walk out of that apartment on our first meeting...  eating bbq with her, then walking around a mall for an hour.  I remember waiting on her to get out of the bathroom for the fifth time and thinking, "You know, as much as this used to annoy me with my ex-wife, I don't mind it at all now."

But then the mistakes started.  In my first marriage I was careless and selfish.  I didn't give enough attention to her feelings or spend enough time with her.  I didn't take her out to eat or treat her like a lady or even act like a man myself.  With my life's love...  I failed her in her time of need.  Oh God, when she needed me the most, I wasn't there and I think about that every fucking day.  I can't forgive myself for that.  She was sitting at the parking lot of my apartment complex, and I wasn't there intentionally...  she needed her best friend and I FAILED.  In my current marriage, I don't think I did much of anything wrong besides marry her in the first place.  I honestly don't have a lot of other regrets.  I fixed the things I was doing wrong in my previous marriage and was actually a solid human being for once.  I put up with a whole lot of shit (including being followed around by stalkers and threatened by a madman) and still ended up this way.  But I read something the other day that fits here perfectly...  when you end up with someone like this who's completely different than the person you originally married, then you can't feel too badly.  You married someone else.  That person just happens to not exist.  Such is life.

But as my friend pointed out on Friday, a lot of people (including her) would be jealous of my life.  She said, "You got to come visit us, and now you're about to head back, play your portal game, buy a brisket sandwich, get a bottle of wine, and watch Iron Man 3 by your fireplace in peace.  Then you're going to spend tomorrow playing video games all day.  A lot of people would kill to do that."  I thought about it, and she's right.  I did all those things.  I watched football, I read my Sunday newspaper, I made divinity, I gamed it up, I talked to some good friends.  If you'd asked me during my first marriage, I'd have said that this was the perfect life.  I guess I'll live with it for now, not that I have much choice in the matter.

The reason I'm here, though...  is due to a long string of problems created by yours truly.  In some form or another, I put myself on this path.  These demons...  yeah, they're mine.