To Bear What Must Be Borne

Being bipolar means dealing with a disease that literally controls your life.  It's been a very hard weekend.  I've tried to offset the effects of the disease as best I can, but sometimes I'm just unsuccessful.  I try to bear the things I have to, but sometimes they drive me into the ground.  I took a look at some pages on it, and it sounds all too familiar.

A person suffering with bipolar disorder experiences two extremes with distinct signs and symptoms:

• manic episodes (excessive excitement, energy or enthusiasm)
• depressive episodes

Both mood and behavioral changes can be signs indicating someone with bipolar disorder is experiencing a manic phase or episode:

• extended periods of feeling overly happy or outgoing
• extremely irritable mood, agitation, or jumpiness
• increasing goal-directed activities
• being easily distracted
• restlessness
• behaving impulsively
• having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities

When a person suffering with bipolar disorder enters a depressive phase, the signs and symptoms create a stark contrast with the preceding manic episode:

• extended periods of feeling worried or empty
• isolation from friends and family
• loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex
• feeling tired or slowed down
• having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions
• being irritable
• change in eating, sleeping, or other habits (including anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and other eating disorders)
• abuse of alcohol and drugs
• thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide

Yep, way too familiar...  I did some more reading on how difficult it can be on relationships.  I'm sure that it caused my current relationship to suffer.  Nobody can stand to be around me for very long.  I found this section that I wish people could read and understand...

Challenge: Relationships

Bipolar disorder is hard on relationships. The very symptoms – swinging moods, risky behaviors – often leave loved ones feeling confused, exhausted and like they’re walking on eggshells, Van Dijk said.

She also sees loved ones have difficulty distinguishing between the illness and the person. They might invalidate the person’s feelings and either blame everything on the illness or believe the person is making conscious choices when it is the illness.

So it’s incredibly important for loved ones to get educated about the illness and how it functions. Individual therapy, family therapy and support groups can help. Refer loved ones to self-help resources and biographies or memoirs of people with bipolar disorder, Johnson said.

Getting a handle on your emotions also improves relationships, she said. Working on assertiveness is key, too, she said. Individuals with bipolar disorder tend to have a tough time being assertive. Therapy is a good place to learn assertiveness skills. But if you’d like to practice on your own, Van Dijk suggested using “I statements”: “ I feel _____ when you ______.” She gave the following example: “I feel scared and hurt when you threaten to leave me.”

The more I read stuff like that, the more I want to be a writer.  I want to do something to help others who are going through this.  There will always be that part of me who recognizes that I'm broken.  I'm not a normal human...  not like others.  The reason my life is in shambles right now is because of the bad decisions I've made, and a lot of the bad decisions have been due to the disease.  I read on one site that people with bipolar disorder have a difficult, if not impossible, time learning from their experiences because of the fact that our different aspects preclude sound behavior.  I know I've long frustrated my friends who want to help me, and while I'm much better than I used to be, I still lapse sometimes.  It frustrates me as much as anyone, because I'm my harshest critic.  I don't want to make people miserable.  I don't want to lie around in bed all day crying.  I don't want to do stupid, impulsive shit.  But when I go through my day never knowing which of the three stupid fucks inside me I'm going to be, it's no wonder that I get myself into these messes.

Dead God, I fear for my son.  I'm already well past my limits.  In a little over two months, I'll be thrown into the ocean, and I sure as hell can't swim.