"Attempts must be made, even when there can be no hope. The alternative is despair. And betimes some wonder is wrought to redeem us." -The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
Life is full of surprises. If you'd told me five years ago about some of the things that would happen to me, I'd have said you were insane. My life is so unbelievable... it's often thrown around jokingly by my boss, but I really do intend to write a book someday. I feel that I have a fairly interesting story, at least. I've also gained a fair amount of insight over the years, even if I don't listen to it half the time.
I keep wondering what the rest of my life will hold. I get tired so often... I want to quit, because in my quest for happiness, I end up finding only pain and loss. I make stupid decisions, partly because I'm a fool and partly because there are two disparate versions of me thanks to me being bipolar. Listening to either of the extremes is almost always a bad idea, but such is my nature.
Even so, I've wanted to give up for years now. There have been many times that I've had no reason to keep going. At this moment, every dream that I've ever had has been shattered. I've always wanted to be loved, and I got that... for a fleeting moment in a forbidden relationship that inevitably ended. I always wanted a family, and I got that... if you consider being a future single dad to be a "family." I always wanted a little girl... not that I'll be disappointed to have a son, but now that possibility is gone too. I've been ground into dust.
Yet here I am. I'm not particularly looking forward to anything... my son will be born in January, but that just scares me more than anything. I know that I face a lot of pain my future. There's a better than average possibility that I'll be spending my life alone, and that scares me too. There's definitely no shortage of dread. But honestly, my curiosity always gets the best of me. My life has been so crazy so far that I can't imagine what the future could hold. Maybe there's a miracle out there for me somewhere. Giving up just doesn't seem like the answer anymore.
Every time things have gotten tough, people and circumstances have saved me when I needed them. I have the best group of friends and family anyone could ask for... people who care about me very much. I'll survive if for no other reason than their sake. But when it comes down to it, I'm counting on that miracle. Don't let me down, universe.
Yet here I am. I'm not particularly looking forward to anything... my son will be born in January, but that just scares me more than anything. I know that I face a lot of pain my future. There's a better than average possibility that I'll be spending my life alone, and that scares me too. There's definitely no shortage of dread. But honestly, my curiosity always gets the best of me. My life has been so crazy so far that I can't imagine what the future could hold. Maybe there's a miracle out there for me somewhere. Giving up just doesn't seem like the answer anymore.
Every time things have gotten tough, people and circumstances have saved me when I needed them. I have the best group of friends and family anyone could ask for... people who care about me very much. I'll survive if for no other reason than their sake. But when it comes down to it, I'm counting on that miracle. Don't let me down, universe.
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