The Measure of a Man

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you.  You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."  -Bob Marley

Every single day, all throughout the day, I wonder what's wrong with me.  As in, not physically or mentally, but I wonder why I lack worth to others.  For as bad as I am sometimes, I don't think I'm THAT bad.  I do attach some measure of value to myself.  I can sometimes become...  overly negative...  but that's not all of me.  It's not even most of me!  In person I'm a pretty fun guy to be around.  I try to make people happy, make them laugh, and brighten their day.  I seem to succeed at that, or at least I thought I did.

Yet every time I get in a relationship, people run away from me.  It's not like they even have to consider whether they should stay with me because they're too busy sprinting the other way.  I understand that I got conned in this marriage, and I guess I just can't fathom how people work.  I can't imagine dedicating two years of my life to tricking another person into having a baby and feeling NO remorse for it.  Is the failing mine or hers?  In my last marriage, my ex-wife walked away pretty quickly and filed for divorce without a second thought.  When I was with my life's love, she also had the chance to run with me but chose not to (granted, she didn't walk away so much as get forced away, but the result was still the same since she didn't have to stay).  Since this keeps happening, I can only conclude that I have no worth to others, or at least not enough to matter.

It's the same way at work...  there's not a lot of value attached to me.  I know that I don't make nearly as much as the guys around me, and I've been there longer than most of them.  When I say things and make suggestions, nobody (at least outside of my department) listens to me or takes me seriously.  

Why?  I ask myself that question a million times a day.  How can I fix it?  I'm obviously doing something wrong.  I don't want to be worthless...  I want to add value to things.  To people's lives, to work, to everything.  I'm about to have a son, and I CAN'T STOP BREAKING THINGS.  He'll be here in less than a month, and I don't have answers.  How can someone like me...  someone who screws everything up and fails at everything in life...  how can I be a parent and role model?  I don't think that I can.  Sometimes I want to quit so badly...  because I don't have answers anymore.