"'Only the great of heart may despair greatly.' All that malice and contempt is just love and hope and eagerness gone wrong. It gives us the chance to do better... In any case, taking a stand against it is what makes us who we are. When we don't, we aren't anything. We're just empty." -Thomas Covenant
Well, I finally finished the Thomas Covenant Chronicles. It's been a long ride, but it's finally over. I can't say that the ending was spectacular, but I don't think anything could have lived up to the hype in my brain. Still, there was one final good quote that made me think... and it followed along the lines of what I've been thinking lately anyway.
All of the pain of living... the pain of past decisions, of being wrong... it gives us the chance to do better. It gives us the chance to do something different.
I've always aspired to greatness in the things I do. I imagine myself accomplishing things. When I hear my Japanese teacher speaking fluent Japanese to a sushi chef, I think about how I'll be able to do that someday. When I see dads taking their kids places, I think about how I'll be able to do that someday. I see people like my boss, an expert in his field, and I think about how I want to catch up to his knowledge. I see happily married couples, and I want to join them. I have no choice. My aspirations won't let me be anything other than what I am.
On many days I wake up in despair... it hits me fairly often. Heck, it's usually when I end up posting on here. But I have to fight, and I do that by setting goals and pressing toward them. I have a personality type that demands goals. If I'm not working toward something, I feel like I'm wasting my time... even if it's visiting a grocery store everyday to try to reconnect with my best friend.
In the end, life doesn't mean anything. I said that in one of my previous posts. In a hundred years, nobody will care that I've failed, but until then, I owe it to myself to keep fighting. I've tried and failed at most everything I've done, but that doesn't mean I have to fail in the future. I could still be a successful dad, I could find myself in a happy relationship... I could visit Japan or teach at SQL Pass. I could win the lottery. I could find my best friend again. I could accomplish greatness. It's all very unlikely, but anything could happen. My life has proven that so far.
I've always aspired to greatness in the things I do. I imagine myself accomplishing things. When I hear my Japanese teacher speaking fluent Japanese to a sushi chef, I think about how I'll be able to do that someday. When I see dads taking their kids places, I think about how I'll be able to do that someday. I see people like my boss, an expert in his field, and I think about how I want to catch up to his knowledge. I see happily married couples, and I want to join them. I have no choice. My aspirations won't let me be anything other than what I am.
On many days I wake up in despair... it hits me fairly often. Heck, it's usually when I end up posting on here. But I have to fight, and I do that by setting goals and pressing toward them. I have a personality type that demands goals. If I'm not working toward something, I feel like I'm wasting my time... even if it's visiting a grocery store everyday to try to reconnect with my best friend.
In the end, life doesn't mean anything. I said that in one of my previous posts. In a hundred years, nobody will care that I've failed, but until then, I owe it to myself to keep fighting. I've tried and failed at most everything I've done, but that doesn't mean I have to fail in the future. I could still be a successful dad, I could find myself in a happy relationship... I could visit Japan or teach at SQL Pass. I could win the lottery. I could find my best friend again. I could accomplish greatness. It's all very unlikely, but anything could happen. My life has proven that so far.
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